One year ago today I took a pregnancy test that told me we’d have our little guy and today I get to be home stealing extra hugs & kisses from him. I’ve gone back & forth on how much to share about that day and the ones that followed. However, last week on Instagram I shared some raw & honest truth about motherhood after a tough day and I received so many comments & messages that I decided it was only appropriate to truly share this story too. I continue to share our story here in case even just one other person out there needs to hear it and connect because that is what really matters. We’re not alone. We are never alone.
Last year June 5th fell on a Tuesday, I stopped at the grocery store to pick up milk and a couple other things to make it through the week. I still to this day do not know what also made me decide to throw a cheap pregnancy test in my basket too. Literally the only maybe symptom I had was getting a little nauseous the Sunday prior before we went out to breakfast, but I attributed it to the fact that we didn’t leave for breakfast until 9a and I was used to eating at 6a. So I thought I was probably just really hungry, I ate a fruit bar and felt fine.
My husband and I had decided that I would stop taking my birth control pills in May, take a couple months to track my cycle, and actively start trying for a baby in the fall. I knew I was due with my period at any time that week but also knew that it could take some time to regulate after going off birth control. So seeing that positive test was a bit of a shock, plus I was home alone (well, the beags were there!) and it was still another 30 minutes before my husband got home.
Those were some of the hardest 30 minutes I’ve experienced. I’ve never felt so lonely. Honestly I was trying not to panic by doing dishes, starting dinner, and picking up the house, pretending that I didn’t just take that test. The moment I came face to face with my husband after he arrived home I completely lost it, I sobbed.
Wait, didn’t I just say that we were going to be trying for a baby in a couple months anyway? Yes, yes I did indeed. Even still I was SCARED and I felt like I had messed up the plan – I love a plan & live by my planner. Then even more, I felt guilty & ashamed for feeling sad and scared, for crying and not tears of joy. I was torn. I was confused. My husband did exactly what I needed though. He held me, he shared in my mixed emotions, and as he always does he let me know that my feelings were completely valid.
I struggled a lot in those early days, feeling happy & sad, excited & terrified, proud & guilty. I didn’t want to share that my first reaction to finding out we were pregnant was out of fear because I felt like you’re supposed to be happy, you’re supposed to cry tears of joy, and since I didn’t experience that I was so ashamed.
I also know that so many couples try so hard to get pregnant and it doesn’t happen for them – my own grandparents tried for YEARS before adopting my Mom & Aunt as twins. I never wanted to share how it happened for us because I felt terrible that it was easy. I felt bad for getting pregnant when I knew the heartache my own SIL was facing through her struggles with infertility. However, I’m learning that it isn’t my fault that it happened so quickly for us just like it isn’t anyone else’s fault that they aren’t getting pregnant. There is nothing I could do to make our story different, it is simply ours. Just because my struggles may not seem as difficult as the ones others are facing does not make mine any less, my struggles are still valid. I do hope that I’ve shared in a way that is still sensitive to others though. I’m not bragging because there is nothing to brag about, I was hurting truthfully and I’m letting go of that pain.
Maybe you felt elated when you found out you were pregnant or maybe you felt like me and were scared. Either way doesn’t make us better or worse mothers though. Just because I felt overwhelmed, it never meant that I didn’t want our baby. People react differently, people feel differently, but we’re never alone in that and especially when your reactions & emotions don’t align with what you think is considered “normal” it is still perfectly acceptable and I highly doubt you’re the first to experience it!
One year ago he was a pink little line on a test that scared the life outta me. Now he is here giving me life, well and still scaring the heck out of me, making me sweat and cry, and I rarely have a clue what I’m doing but there is a whole lotta LOVE!
Amazing story- so honest and raw and so very true for many of us- I felt the same way the first time- you got this girl XOXO
Thank you Holly! It can be hard to be vulnerable but it is so worth it to connect with others! It is more common than we think XO
I’m sure there are many people who react just the way you did! It’s always important to share your story, no matter what it might be.
Yes, so important! Thank you Dara 🙂
Oh what a beautiful HONEST story. I love it, it’s big and bold of you to share it in a sensitive way. And we never ever alone… God promised us that, and He keeps His promises. Go mama! ❤️
THANK YOU Laurie!! All so very true! I’ve found it difficult to want to share but so very rewarding when I do <3
I can so relate. I went off the pill and we thought we had a good 6 months. Nope, I got pregnant that next month. I was 25 and shocked!! My husband’s comment was “I think I’m going to throw up”!! We had wanted a baby, but we never thought it would happen so quickly. I think its a rollercoaster of emotions for all new parents. I was clueless about pregnancy and babies, but my kids are almost 12 and almost 9 and just fine. I kept them alive this long!! I still don’t know how to navigate all the stages but all they need is love, support, stability and for you to show up. The rest just works itself out. I’m now terrified of the teenagers year but like the baby years and the toddler years we will navigate these too.
AH thank you so much for commenting Rachel! So true, I think as soon as you get one stage figured out then you’re on to the next! It’s always good to know we’re all in this together 🙂 Great job at keeping those kiddos alive 9 & 12 years Mama!